Toxic Relationships And Mental Health

Posted byRaymond O'DonnellPosted inUncategorizedTags:, ,

Nobody is immune to toxic relationships and, potential sources are all around us, friendship groups, classmates, colleagues, spouses, family, romantic partners. A toxic relationship detracts from our lives. No matter how much we put into the relationship, we feel unappreciated, belittled, just not good enough. Having a mental illness can expose us to an greater risk of entering into a toxic relationship and of being unable to find a way out. Low self-esteem, isolation, feelings of unworthiness, may all cause us to “lower our standards” because a pessimistic viewpoint makes us think we can’t do any better. Once bound to a relationship, we might be fooled by our own self directed stigmas to blame ourselves for problems. We may be more prone to feeling that we deserve criticism, allowing another to keep us under the thumb. We might construct a devastatingly damaging mental schema in which we see ourselves as lessor people, undeserving of respect and happiness. Ultimately, we may accept this version of reality and think that it is unchangeable. We give up. As long as the toxic relationship goes on, it damages our health. It causes us to suffer mentally and physically.

If you are reading this post because you think you might be in a toxic relationship but want to be sure, you can find links to web sites that can help you at the bottom of this post. If you are in a toxic relationship or have escaped one, I have added a link to A Moment of Clarity that I am certain will of use to you. Be assured, you are far from alone and however you feel right now, don’t give up, and take heart. Help is close at hand.

Toxic relationships are proven to effect the immune system causing inflammation that damages the nervous, musculoskeletal, and other systems. They can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, and the risk of strokes. They can literally be heart breaking. They also negatively effect the biological systems that control our mental health. A toxic relationship may trigger a mental health disorder in a person with a genetic predisposition but no symptoms. The stress of a toxic relationship on physical and mental health can create a downward spiral as the demise of one reinforces the demise of the other.

Many people with mental illness have heightened vulnerabilities that can be exploited, consciously or unconsciously, in a toxic relationship, putting them at greater risk of harm than for people without a mental illness. Compromised communication skills, as we might find in a disorder such as Aspergers syndrome, may hinder a person in making known his or her feelings about negative treatment. Low self-esteem, like we find in anxiety and depressive disorders, increases the risk of being manipulated in an unbalanced power dynamic. Internal stigmas about unworthiness and helplessness mistakenly confirm negative emotions expressed by a partner with the intent of undermining self-confidence. Constant criticism and aggression make the victim pliable and servile to a potential abuser. Lack of confidence in decision making can be exploited by self-serving bullies who can influence victims decisions to suit their own purposes.

As a parent, or even as a friend, we need to be vigilant that the vulnerable people we love are protected from toxic relationships. It is sometimes tempting to ignore a few undesirable traits in the toxic relationship because we are concerned that our loved one may not find new friends. It is a dilemma, do we accept a bad relationship over no relationship at all? It is a question that is difficult to resolve, especially where abuse seems trivial or infrequent. We risk intervening in a relationship only to leave our loved one isolated and ungrateful for the interference. This kind of thinking is unhelpful. The toxic relationship is always pernicious. Seek help if necessary, but do not ignore the danger. At the same time, take a look at your motives. We carry stigmatising ideas about ourselves and our loved ones. A misplaced belief that a mentally ill loved one will struggle to find friends and rewarding relationships, could cloud our view and wrongly place lower standards on the kind of relationships we think he or she deserves. I don’t know your loved one, but I know that they don’t deserve a toxic relationship. For more on this, see 1800RESPECT.

Toxic relationships with romantic partners and spouses can be particularly harmful. We find someone that we believe we can love and who will love us in return. We commit ourselves fully and we trust our partner completely. Slowly the horrible reality hits us. We find that we are being lied to, controlled, manipulated, cheated on, and, abused. We are devastated. We feel humiliated, ashamed, naive, stupid. We are angered, confused, aggrieved. We are heartbroken and we suffer (and everybody who loves us suffers too). Sometimes we try extreme measures to escape a cruel world. Having escaped the physical relationship, it lingers mentally as we crave justice becoming consumed by desire for vengeance. The stress and anxiety of a toxic romantic relationship, or a toxic marriage, can be unrelenting and highly intense. Mental health issues may be a major cause of toxic behaviour. For example, a person with a substance abuse disorder may become violent towards a spouse. Mental health issues may also enable an abusive relationship by creating an unhealthy power balance.

People with a mental health disorder may be more vulnerable to being enticed into a toxic romantic relationship. Once caught, they may be less able to cope with, or resist, negative treatment, and, may be less resilient. They may also be more prone to damaging or even fatal behaviours when the relationship is ended. The stress, anxiety, and, depression of the toxic relationship drives a vicious spiral of negative beliefs and behaviours that put systems that control mood and wellbeing into overdrive. Abuse creates bad feelings, exacerbating and magnifying problems that already plague the mental illnesses affected person. Issues with low self-esteem and helplessness leave a person less able to defend themselves against abuse. Even after escaping the relationship, the aftermath can be hard to bear. I know a person, who had an existing predisposition to major depressive disorder, who was left so shattered by ending a toxic relationship that she attempted suicide. Thankfully she survived. Even so, the intensity of feelings and emotions that drive a person to such extreme action leave deep and lasting mental scars. As we see with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they also leave physical scars on our brains and nervous system. If pursuit of the happiness we unquestionably deserve is not motivation enough to quit the toxic relationship, then lets at least do it for our health.

A healthy relationship will leave you feeling safe, respected, positive and happy. A toxic relationship will leave you feeling insecure, subjugated, unworthy, depleted and miserable. Sometimes it is denial that binds us to our tormentor. Self-awareness is the first step in breaking out of the nightmare. We need to break down the toxic relationship and see it for what it is. We need to acknowledge physical abuse where it happens and know that it is never acceptable and must never be tolerated. The same goes for mental abuse. There is no room for demeaning comments, gaslighting, coercion, controlling and isolating behaviour, and, lying. As we recover our self-esteem we see that we deserve better and that we can have it too. Then we can see what we want and what we don’t want. We can start to change our lives for the better. You deserve to be happy.

A good friend of mine has opened an interesting and very helpful social media discourse on toxic relationships, among other things. A Moment of Clarity FB page is a place where you can have a voice, share your thoughts and experiences. Contributors have posted lots of useful, encouraging, and, humorous advice. You can also find the eBook “A Moment of Clarity”. If you are in a toxic relationship or emerging from one, this book offers a cathartic look at toxic relationships, empathy, and, sound advice on living well in a relationship and beyond (full disclosure: I have no monetary interests in this facebook page or ebook).

If you need help urgently:

  • If you think you might be in imminent danger, call 000 (Australia)
  • You can call 1800 737 732 for domestic and sexual abuse counselling and find their website at 1800RESPECT.org.au
  • The Black Dog Institute emergency information lists a number of useful helplines

How do you know your relationship is toxic? There are lots of web resources that deal with toxic relationships. I have listed a few from mental health and health advocacy organisations. The web pages listed here discuss signs you can look out for to assess whether your relationship is toxic:

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